All young children have their moments of complete distress over what may seem trivial to their caretaker or parent. We’ve all been there as parents of toddlers and preschoolers right? Whether it be a tantrum over the wrong color bow in your daughter’s hair or your son’s insistence of washing his drinking cup in the dog’s water bowl, we’ve all dealt with a fair share of frustrating meltdowns from an emotional child.

Feel comforted by knowing that these moments of emotional upheaval are not only normal and acceptable but also many times necessary, even if it’s not easy to deal with. What’s important in these times is that we as parents and caretakers hold space for our young children to feel frustration, anger, and sadness and to give them permission to self expression. Below are some helpful steps to effectively hold space for our little loved ones during a time of emotional meltdown.

1) Calm yourself down and if possible stop what you’re doing to be present with your child. If your child is screaming crying over something that is obviously important to him, it is also important to him that you acknowledge it in a calm and respectful manner. He will feel your emotions and if they are cool and collected as well as sincere, he will have a much timelier regulation of his emotions. Refrain from responding emotionally, as it will add more frustration to the situation.

2) Listen to your child but do not feel the need to change your mind, bend rules, or allow for something inappropriate. You can offer a listening ear and open heart with acknowledgments of emotions, while also remaining in control of the situation. It may help to say something such as, “I understand you are very angry that you cannot bring this toy into the bathtub with you, but it is not a water toy and it will get ruined if I allow you to bring it in the tub. I’m going to take it from you now and if you need to cry, it’s okay, mommy is here with you. When you’re ready we will get in the tub.”

3) Use this time as a learning experience to discover if your child has an unmet need. There is a strong inner will of children in their first few years of life to be autonomous in many activities and tasks, as well as to learn about the world around them through their senses. Perhaps your toddler is expressing a need to have choices or independent activities when he is screaming that he doesn’t want to wear something or that he wants to wash his own dish in the dog bowl. Maybe he has the need to access a child size sink to wash dishes or a tall stool to help out in the kitchen.

4) Model unconditional love and tolerance. Do not judge or belittle your child; just simply allow him to feel his emotions. Yes, it can sometimes feel silly that your child is crying over the smallest details, but remember that he is actively learning how to regulate his emotions each time he has an episode. If he is consistently met with the same calm reaction and he realizes that he is given permission to express himself and be heard without the world falling apart, he has learned to trust you and your judgment and will feel safe in your space.

5) Offer physical or verbal affection. Sometimes a child will desire a cuddle or hug from a calm and loving parent/caretaker when they are having trouble regulating their bodies. It might be all that is needed to put an end to their troubles. Other times, a child may want to be left alone and that is his choice as well. You can let them know you are right there if they need a hug and simply offer your unconditional loving presence.